Saturday, September 22, 2012

What if ...

What if, I like you?

What if I really like you back? After everything that we've been through, would you still want to be with me?

It's just so confusing. I want us to be back together. But it's not easy. Cause Ahmad still likes me, and he thinks that I'm 'the one'. He's willing to even wait for me until I'm 'ready' to be with him.

No. I don't want it to be like that. I want you to focus more on other stuff instead of holding on to me. You don't have to wait for me okay. The  time that you spent (which might be quite long) might be useless. What if, after all the waiting, I decide to leave you? That's why I don't want you to wait for me. I don't know the future. You too. So why are you trying to wait for someone that you don't even know will be 'the one' for you? I'm so sorry. Let's just stay as friends for now. Nothing less, nothing more. Don't wait for me. If you do, you're just trying to hurt yourself, cause I will probably just try to avoid you. I'm sorry, but I have no feelings for you anymore. I don't think that we'll ever be more than friends. We've been through it before okay. To be honest, it wasn't a great relationship. I'm sorry if I keep hurting you. Just forget me, and you'll be okay. I don't want to keep hurting you this way. I'm sorry.
If only I have the courage to text you that big lump of words, but no. I don't. I'm sorry okay. I really am. I know we've been friends for 6 years and counting but I just don't want you to be hurt by me like this again.

So, back to topic.

Do you have the same feelings as I do? My heart started beating really fast when I heard Fengying asking me "Do you think that you might have feelings for Lion again?". Of course I couldn't say yes. Cause I don't know if he has the same feelings for me. But deep down, I really wanted to say that I might have feelings for him again. 

Today, I really felt like as if we were already together. As in, already a couple. I want us to be like that forever please. We sat side by side in the library. You would put your hand behind my back just to poke me. You would keep rolling your eyes to me. At the interchange, we would play the SNAP game. Love it. It like we're imitating each other. I just like that moment. I wouldn't want to go home, I just want to be with you. 

I don't know what to do. I'm just so confused. Me and my confused mind. Silly me. 

Please be with me, and never leave. Ever.

Friday, September 21, 2012

When we're together...

When we're together, I get happy again, without myself knowing, I put on a smile
I don't know what I'm feeling. What if I really do have those feelings for you again? Would you have the same feelings too? Would you feel the same way that I do for you?

All these questions fill my mind. Everytime I see you, without me knowing, I put on a smile. I feel happy all of a sudden, knowing that you're there. I would look out for you everywhere I go.

When we're together, everything becomes alright. Painful memories disappear
I feel more comfortable when you're around. You're a really great guy. You can easily make me laugh. You really help me out when I'm down or having a hard time. Why can't you just stay, and be with me? 

I've been thinking about you more nowadays. Eveytime I'm online, I always look forward to chatting with you. You're probably the guy that I'm most comfortable with. Even if you send me home, I don't even feel awkward. At all. 

I know that you might not have good looks, or a great muscular body. I don't care about that. I just, like you for who you are. So please stay that way.

You're the first guy that I went out alone with. I thought that it would be awkward, but surprisingly, it wasn't at all.

Please like me too. I like you. Alot. It's just that you might not notice it. I don't care if we had a bad past, as long as our future is fine, then things would be great. 

Stay with me, please. 

That's it. It's over.

20 September 2012

Just kill me now. Take a knife. Stab me. Take a gun. Shoot me down. I don't care. Just kill me. Take away all the misery that I have. I can't take it anymore. It's just too much.

Today is the day that I had the most severe and serious thoughts of killing myself. I know that you might think that 'That's stupid.', 'Why would you think of such a thing?' or, 'What's wrong with you?'. Yeah, you might think that it's stupid, but you've never been in my situation. You've never had those thoughts before.

It got so serious, to the point that I wanted to kill myself. 

Someone please save me ...

19 September 2012

Those thoughts are coming to me again. Those sickening thoughts. Those thoughts are haunting me now. I just can't seem to get them out of my head.

I've been really stressed out these days. Not just because of the upcoming exams, but also because of friends and all. There's really too many things that's in my head now. Damn, I worry too much. :/ Not a good thing..

First problem: Ahmad
Why can't you just leave me alone? I'm sorry okay that I didn't promise you that. I thought about it again, and I just think that I really can't make any promises. If I did promise you that, then you'd me like me finance. No, I don't want 'chop' you or anything okay. The idea of it kind of makes me feel weird. 
You keep bugging me,  and asking all those questions. I'm hearing those questions all over and over again. And I have to answer you all over and over again. You already know what's my answer right? Why do you need to have me to say it myself? I mean, those texts that I sent Syukri was already what I was thinking of, then there you have it. My answers. In those texts. Isn't it enough? Aren't you satisfied? But obviously, you weren't.
Then you texted me to talk to you in the morning. I did. But we didn't even talk a single thing about the situation. Might as well you don't even come to me. Seriously? I hate it that I will always see you a thousand times each day. It makes it harder for me to avoid you now. 
You keep saying that you understand my problems and all, but no. You don't. Stop saying that you do. Stop lying. You don't know what it feels like to be in my shoes now okay. So you better shut your mouth.

Second problem: Syukri and Farhana
I'm happy for you guys, honestly. But I kind of regretted helping both of you get together. I didn't thought about what might happen after he confessed. There are two possible situations: 1. Hayati will kill me 2. Benjamin will kill me

Hayati's
Once Hayati knows that Farhana and Syukri likes each other, she's gonna freak out. Cause her own best friend didn't tell that she has crush on the same guy. The worse thing is, Hayati even talks about him with Farhana, without knowing that Farhana likes him too. If I was Hayati, I would really feel betrayed.
So this is the part where I step in.. I actually helped Farhana and Syukri to get together. I myself knows that Hayati has a crush on him. Hayati would be angry at me bacause I didn't even tell her about Farhana liking him too. So yeah, I'm gonna be killed by Hayati once she knows that I helped them 'get together'.

Benjamin's
I'm so sorry Benjamin. You're really gonna kill me when you know that I was involved in it too. I was the one who helped them get together. I'm so gonna be dead if you still have feelings for her, and I didn't even bother to tell you that Farhana likes someone else.
I really feel sorry towards you okay. I really do. I'm not lying.  Out of all the people involved, the person that I'm most sorry to is you. You've helped me a lot, especially during times of hardship. I appreciate everything that you've done for me, but in return I gave you bullshits like this. I'm really sorry okay. You don't know how much I feel sorry for you. ><


Sunday, September 9, 2012

Such a pain in my ass.

You can be such a bitch, can't you? I've had enough with you. I really thought that you changed, but I was wrong. You were the same as before. Exactly the same.

Yes, I do have problems with you. You don't fail to irritate me everytime, don't you?

Problem 1: You text me almost ALL THE TIME!
Have you got nothing else to do than text me all day long? Don't you find it tiresome to text me everyday without fail? I get irritated you know. Like seriously, very irritated. Damn.

Problem 2: You're over protective
Why do you have to keep asking we about what I'm doing? Dude, I'm not taking drugs or anything. -.- I can take care of myself. I won't do anything stupid okay, even if I talk about it.
i
Problem 3: You always expect fast replies.
Patience is a virtue. You really can't wait just a few minutes for me to reply you, huh? I was probably busy with stuff at home, and instead of waiting PATIENTLY for my reply, you spam my inbox and say that "Are you ignoring me?". DUDE, I WAS BUSY. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO REPLY YOU AT THE SPEED OF LIGHTNING? I HAVE A LIFE TOO OKAY. -.-

Problem 4: You always expect me to answer correctly.
What I mean is, you would always expect me to answer you exactly as the same answer that you're thinking of. If you get what I mean.. I hate it when you do that. I end up not answering truthfully just because I want to make you feel happy if I answered the way you imagined it.

Problem 5: You 'assume' and then say bye.
You know, sometimes I really did what to reply you, but just because I REPLIED YOU SLOW, you  quickly 'assume' that I was ignoring you, and then you would say, " Fine if you want to ignore me then. Bye." I really hate it when you do it okay.

There's a few more problems that I have about you, but I'm just too lazy to explain it more.

You see, I'm that type of person that it more comfortable if I talk face to face. I don't really like to text because I won't be able to see people's reactions. That's why sometimes my replies might seem cold. (when it's actually not)

I'm sorry if I'm being too straightforward okay. I might sound bitchy too. I'm sorry for all of that. It's just that I can't take all this bullshits already. I've been entertaining all this, and I can't take it anymore. It's too much for me. But at least for this post, I'm really being honest.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Fantasy.

Damn, I'm starting to get really addicted to blogging. I guess it's just cause' this is the only place where I can really say out all my feelings without anybody judging me. Hehh ~ Feels good. (:

So anyways, yesterday was an awesome day. This week has been really really awesome. Hahah. Me and Farhana went out at 11am to go to Ang Mo Kio to make her new ezlink, and surprisingly, making the ezlink was a very fast process. Her ezlink was made there and then. Hahah, it took me about half an hour to make it. :'( Sad. Hahah, oh well.
Afterwards, we met with Syukri and Ahmad at Cwp's Mac. We ate then Yanni came along. Then, we went to my house. It was the first time for Ahmad after 6 years ... 6 years is a longlong time. Hahah. In my house, Syukri, Yanni and Farhana watched Invincible Youth feat. Beast (awesome episode!), while Ahmad and Jimmy watched Despicable Me.

After going to my house, we all went to Cikgu Faisal's house. His house was awesome. It was just so comfy. I could have just slept there. It was like a fantasy. His children are so cute, especially the little one, but he was shy. :( Oh well, there's always next time to meet that little kid. ;)

Afterwards, we made our way to Cwp to go catch a movie. Sadly, Yanni couldn't make it cause' he has tuition. :( Now it was left with 5 of us, including Adilah. We watched The Apparation. It was scary at first, I kept trying to cover my eyes. But Ahmad kept pulling my hand and forcing me to watch it. :( I'm a scaredy cat. To be honest, this movie was really badly made. It didn't make any sense. The movie ended without any explanation. Stupid movie. -.- Wasted 7 bucks for this.

The movie really disappointed us. So we decided to watch another movie. ParaNorman. This movie was the bomb! It was really funny. And definitely, wayyyy better than the previous movie even though it was a kid's movie. I really enjoyed this movie.


What if you really get to be with him, and I get to be with him ? Won't it be a win-win situation. You get your guy, and I get mine. I wonder how it would turn out if it really happens. I don't really mind if we're like this. It's like, two bestfriends liking another two bestfriends. Get it ? Everytime we would go out, it would be a double date. ;) He would send you home, and he would send me home. This would be just like a fairytale. A fantasy. A dream that I won't ever want to wake up from. Okay, this might sound confusing, but at least it makes sense to me.
For now, let's just see what happens. ;) 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Better than before.

Talked to her yesterday since we had to go raya with friends. I didn't want us to ignore each other, so I decided that I should just let bygones-be-bygones. I know that it's not worth being angry at her, but she went too far across the line. I just hope that she doesn't do this to me again, if not byebye to you.

Yesterday's raya was awesome as hell. :D We went to a lot of houses yesterday. I ended up going home at 23:30, and I only had 1 phone call from my Dad. Booyah. (: Yay! I collected abouut 30 bucks yesterday. I shall just not use this money, and save it for future purposes. Haha!

Today was just as awesome as yesterday! I went to Chinese Garden with Fengying for the AVA competition, but turns out that the Chinese Garden was closed. :( Then I found out that I lost my ezlink on the way there. I'm such a clutz... Damn, I was unlucky. So we had to walk all the way back to Chinese Garden mrt, and oh lookie, I found my ezlink lying on the floor under the hot sun. Haha, I guess my ezlink card photo was just too ugly that people don't even want to take my ezlink. Haishh. Sad life. Oh well, at least i found my ezlink. Heh. ;) Then we decided to go to Chinatown instead. We were completely lost there. We were like lost children. Haha! We took some shots there too!

Oh yeah, the Moon cake festival! :)

Colourful lanterns.

I just like this shot. The effects just makes the building look old and vintage. Well, actually it is, so yeah. ;)

Today's the first day that I wore this shoe after I got it last Friday. Heh, I was very excited to wear it. (:
So, after we went to Chinatown, we went to Clementi to eat cause I didn't even had a proper breakfast. :(
Afterwards, I went back to Woodlands alone. I took bus 900, but I ended up riding for the whole round back to the interchange. -.- Thanks Yonglok -.- So I took 901, and luckily, I reached there. Hah.Yonglok, Syukri & Irfan was there flying kite. It was damn awesome. (:
Yonglok trying to teach me how to fly a kite.

I loveee this shot.

Syukri trying to go down the slope, but ended up falling. HAHA.

Candid.

THIS IS TOO FUNNY!

Heh, trying to balance myself on the skateboard.


So, I'll just end it here. ;)

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Confused mind.

Who are my real friends? I'm so confused.

You lied to me. You hide things from me. Isn't this enough already? You've hurt me enough already, you can stop now. Cause I don't want to entertain all the bullshits you're giving me. I really thought that you're my best friend, now I can't even believe I called someone like you MY 'bestfriend'. I trusted you will all my secrets and all my true feelings. I told you that I liked someone else, yet you still didn't dare to own up? I saw that message with my own eyes. I knew it from the beginning. I was suspicious of you two, but after awhile, I let that dirty thought go. But now I know the really reason behind that heart-shaped message.

Things will never be the same between you and me. Come and lie to me again, and I'll regard you as a stranger. Someone that I've never met. Someone that I've never knew existed in this imperfect world.


I wanted us to be like this, but now, I don't think it's ever possible.