Sunday, January 13, 2013

Those small little memories.

I'm forever being reminded of the little things that I don't want to be reminded of in the first place. Now, everything really changed and I hate it.

I hate how something that I thought was a habit or so-called a normal everyday thing, changed into something that I didn't expect. I hate it how now, I don't even want to face my own mother in fear that I would cry in front of her thinking about how she doesn't care about me anymore.

Ever since the start of the year, everything's been such a pain in my ass. I started this year very badly. I can surely say that the year 2013, isn't going to be a good one for me too. I just want everything to go back to how it originally was.

Everything changed so fast, that I couldn't even catch up. Everything changed right in front of my eyes, and I still don't want to accept the fact that everything isn't like how it used to be. 

Yesterday was one of the roughest day I've ever had. I was awake till 2 in the morning listening to just one song. K.will - Please don't. I cried all night long thinking about how we're not together anymore. I keep thinking about us. You. You were all over my mind.

Listening to that song, and looking at your photos or even thinking about you, can instantly make me cry my eyes out. This song is so powerful that I can actually feel the singer's emotions in the song even though the song is totally in a different language. That's how powerful it is. 

That song will probably be one of my favorite songs ever. Whenever I listen to that song, you will suddenly pop into my mind. 

Benjamin. Please tell me to stop. Stop thinking about you all day long. Trust me, it's killing me inside. It hurts so bad knowing that you're no longer someone that I can tell all my secrets too. We became strangers and I really hate that. I never wanted us to be strangers. I never once thought that we'd ever be strangers. Please don't do this to me. I cried all night thinking about how I did wrong and how I caused you pain. I cried silently in fear that I'd wake someone up. That's probably the worse way to cry. Please tell me that I'm not suppose to worry about this kind of things anymore. Seriously, I don't know anymore. The more I look at you, the more I feel like crying. The more I think about you, the more I think about the past. How do I stop all of this? Please, I feel like I can die any second. I feel so lost, confused. I'm filled with regrets. The more I keep thinking about the reason why we broke up, the more regretful I feel. And it hurts even more knowing that you won't do a thing about it now cause you don't know what I'm feeling now. Benjamin, when you look into my eyes, please tell me that you can see me dying inside. It hurts that whenever I look at you, I have to stop myself from crying and instead smile. Benjamin, please save me from all of this. Please. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

When I look at you...

When I look at you, memories flooded into my mind.

It's weird that, even after a month of being separated, I suddenly feel this way. When I look at you, I suddenly feel like I'm still yours. I feel like I want to continue being yours. It's really weird.

I thought that I was strong enough to think that this year isn't the time to play silly love games and even think about having a relationship, but it turns out, maybe I'm not that strong.

The moment I looked at you, I just felt like crying. It felt like as if everything else didn't matter. It felt like you were looking at me back, only me.

Since the start of the day, it's been all about you. In the hall, sitting near me. At the quadrangle, looking at you by the corridor of the hall. In the hall, looking at you introducing the Uniform Groups. This day was all about you.

I really didn't think that I would feel this way. I thought that since we tried twice, maybe the third time wouldn't be a good one either.

The moment you looked at me, in the hall, I just felt like crying. I felt happy and sad at the same time. Happy that you are finally someone that I look up to as a 'leader', but sad that we're no longer together.

Memories. Memories. Memories. It's all that went into my mind the moment you looked at me. Thinking back, I feel guilty that I caused you pain. I'm sorry. Sincerely.

If the third time isn't a good idea, why can't we just be like before? Best friends. That's what I really want us to be: best friends. Talking to you. Going to the library with you. You cheering me up when I'm down. Where did all of that go to? I miss everything. Everything. 

The day that you talk to me again, and the day we finally be best friends again, that's the day I'll remember the most. Cause I don't want to lose such a great best friend. 

Looking at you with your uniform on, for the first time that I'm saying it sincerely, you look dashingly handsome. If only I could say it to you, but I guess I just don't dare to after all that we've been through together. 

I know that thinking about this again isn't such a good idea, but I guess the only solution is to just move on. Like they say, 'There are other fishes in the sea'. But I do want to say that, I'm lucky that you were one of the fishes that I picked. I will never regret whatever things that we did together. I will never regret the decision of being yours.

I know I might be a little too young to say all of this, and all about how I'm heartbroken. I just can't help it. Who knows, maybe when I get older, I'll read this post again, and just laugh it off knowing about how silly I was to write this post. 

Will you ever look at me again?

Let's be like how we were before. Best friends.
Let's be close like how we were before.

Benjamin.