Temptations.

Must. Resist. Temptations. I really wanted to buy that tribal shirt but I didn't have enough money so I just had to let it go. Hais. :( If only I didn't eat KFC, I could have brought home that shirt. It's only for 10 bucks. That's pretty cheap! But oh well, I have to learn how to let go. 

It's like what I went through recently. Even though I love that shirt so much, I couldn't buy it cause I didn't have enough money. Even though I loved him so much, I had to let him go cause I don't want to hurt him anymore. I just have to let go of things that I love. :'( It's saddening. 

Okay, talking about sad things isn't really gonna help me with anything. I just have to move and and be happy with my life. My life right now isn't really what I wanted, but it's good enough since I still have my family (especially my parents). 

This is probably why I hate being alone. But I like how peaceful it is. I can think properly. But the problem with me is, I think too much. That's a really bad thing. I'm just worrying more about things that I'm not even suppose to worry about. Thus, more problems will come out. I'm just making it worse for myself. That's why I don't like to be left alone when I'm really down. 

Note: Do NOT ever leave me alone when I'm down. 

But please don't disturb me when I'm in a bad mood. Bad mood =/= Feeling down. DOES NOT EQUAL TO. 

Don't tell me that I didn't warn you. I did. But I guess you didn't see it. But too bad, I'm still gonna break your arm if you disturb me when I'm in a bad mood. Trust me, it's not a good idea. -evil face- Muahahaha. 

But one good thing that happened today was: Benjamin finally talked to me after the break up. I didn't really expect him to chat with me so fast after the break up cause it's only been 2 days. That's quite fast. But I guess it was an emergency - he wanted to exchange the necklace. I like that necklace. It's nice but expensive. I guess it's worth the money. (: Inside of the teddy bear necklace, is a rice grain with 'Ben' written on it. It's really special to me. (: But I have to meet him tomorrow to exchange back the necklace. Kind of scared to face him since the last time I met him (which was on my birthday). But never mind, I'll show him that the choice I made to break up was a good one. I won't regret. Even if it hurt me so bad, I won't regret it. Cause I don't wanna hurt him anymore. That's the main reason why I wanna break up. I don't wanna hurt you. 

Okay, until next time. (: Bye. 

Feels weird.

Three days in a row. Once again, a new blog post. I just can't help it. I need to spill out all my thoughts to someone, but apparently, I don't feel like talking to someone. So this is the part where my blog comes along. Blog, I'm so lucky to have you. Even though you can't really talk back to me (but it would be cool if you could), I still find you useful. You're like someone that I can talk to. A platform for me to lay down all my thoughts and think straight. It's the same like a diary, but I just have to type it out (which is better, obviously). 

It just feels weird. I know I wanted to break up with him the week before. I felt like as if this relationship didn't really 'change' me. I felt the same. But now that I've already told him that 'let's just end this', I feel like I lost some part of me. It feels really weird. Even though I wanted us to go our separate ways, it's like I still feel sad. Am I suppose to be sad? I don't know. But I am. Not really sure why. Argh, this is killing me. I think about him before I go to sleep, and when I wake up. Am I suppose to feel this way? This weird feeling. I don't like it. It's making me feel uncomfortable. After breaking up, suddenly all the memories flashes by. All I could think of is all the memories we had. Lost memories. Memories that cannot be found again. But what I did was what I was suppose to do. I couldn't just continue this relationship and continue hurting him. I love him so much that I had to let him go so that he could be happy. 

Bestfriends. That's what we should be. We should be bestfriends in the first place. The relationship kind of destroyed the bestfriend relationship. I hope we could be as close as we were before. That's what I wanted. 

Because of all the experiences in 2012, I don't wanna hurt myself like this anymore. I'm gonna stay single until I really find someone who really understand me. Oh, and also when I'm mentally ready to have a boyfriend. ;)

Let's just end it.

Let's make this post into a 'letter' to give to Benjamin. It's not exactly that kind of letter that would make him feel excited, but I guess I'll have to do it eventually.

Benjamin. I know that you're still angry at me. I just know it. I know that it's gonna take you some time to forgive me, but it's okay if you don't forgive me cause I know I did a horrible thing to you. I know that everything was my fault from the start. Everything will always be my fault. I admit that all the arguments and fights that we gotten in to during this relationship was obviously my fault. I cause all the problems in this relationship. Do you even still like me? After all that I did to you? If we continued this relationship, do you think that we can get better in it? I'm just kind of lost. I don't know which side to take: to break or, or continue trying. As much as I want to continue this, I think that I shouldn't. You said that you wanted to be in a relationship because you wanted to be happy. I don't think you're happy now. I'm not making you feel happy. I just make you feel more hurt. To be honest, I've been trying to 'walk away' from this problem. It's probably cause I don't really know what happened between us and also cause I don't wanna deal with it. I keep running away when I face problems. It's just like how I would want to commit suicide just cause I don't want to face problems anymore. That's how I run away from problems. I just leave it there, and never solve it. It's just me. I always do that. But now I know that I way better than that. I know that thinking about suicide isn't the 'right path'. It was just a way for me to get away with it. now I realize that I was silly to even think about suicide. I should have just solved the problem and never make the same mistake. But I guess the point that I'm trying to say is, let's just end it. Let's go our separate ways. I just don't want to make you feel hurt by me. I hate seeing you get angry because of me. It makes me feel like I'm a trouble maker. And I will just run away when I get into trouble. It makes me feel like I'm a bad person. But I don't want to be. I'm sorry that you had to waste your time on me. You really deserve someone way better than me. Really. Let's just be bestfriends just like how we used to be before. Bestfriends is what we should be in the first place. 

I guess that's it. I hope he'll understand. 

Just confused.

I'm just confused. That's all.

I don't know what's happening. It's like, too many things happened, and I just couldn't catch up. Everything just happened so fast. Rushed. Whoosh. Poof. Gone in a second. Just too many shit happening here and there. 

Benjamin, I'm sorry. I truly am. I know I said this a thousand times, but I swear, I meant it when I said every 'sorry' to you. You might think that this 'sorry' is gonna be the same as every 'sorry' that I said, but please, I just want you to hear me out. Let's just get the story straight. To be honest, during the week that you went off for OCIP, I did felt lonely. I started to think about many things. I thought about whether we just rushed into this relationship. I thought about how I could survive having to concentrate on studies and on this relationship. I thought about how young we are to even think that we can handle this relationship. I mean c'mon, don't you think we're too young? To me, a relationship is like an extra burden to me. It's not because of you or 'the person that I'm in a relationship with', but it's just that the effort that we have to give FOR the relationship is like a lot. For example, if I don't give a full 100% in our relationship, then you would think that I don't love you enough, then obviously that's gonna end in an argument. A VERY BIG ARGUMENT. Didn't you say that you wanted to be in a relationship to be happy? How is 'being in a very big argument' happy? I'm just saying that the burden is, I have to give 100% to this relationship no matter how long it lasts. I mean, we're still pretty young. This year is a really rough year for me, and you know that. This year is probably the year that changed me. I became more depressed. I just 'changed'. I don't like how I always would cry at home when I get back from school. I don't like it how people will always have to cheer me up. I don't like it how people have to 'look out for me'. For the first time, I thought about killing myself. It all started this year. All the bad things. Depression. Suicidal. I hate it that when I go out with my friends and I would suddenly become quiet because of thinking about the money problems, then I end up breaking down. I hate it that people could see me breaking down. I hate it. I would never want people to see me be weak. I would always be the party pooper. I really don't like it when people have to look out for me just so I don't do any stupid stuff. It's like 'DUDE, I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF'. The point is, I just don't think I can handle this, you know. I just want to be young and stay young forever. Looking back at my childhood photos and seeing how bright my smile is, I just want to stay that way forever. Be happy, and never get sad. Don't have to worry about things. But I have to knock some sense into me, knock knock. Back to reality. We can't stay young forever. We grow up. Get old. Worry about more things. It's a jungle out there, we have to survive independently. But we are just taking it lightly. We keep thinking that we're old enough already. We keep thinking about how we wanna be adults now. But thinking about it again, I really don't want to. I want to be younger. I don't wanna get older. It just sucks. I don't care if I'm young, and I can't get into a relationship. I would be happy enough that I'm young. Just like what One Direction said, let's just live while we're young. I'm not saying that I can't like somebody or anything, I just think that being in a relationship is not a really good thing right now. :/ 

I'm sorry that I made you feel hurt. I know that I shouldn't hang out with guys too often. I know that it wasn't the right thing to do. I just needed someone to hear me out, and distract me. I don't know why, but my feelings aren't that 'stable'. It's like, for one moment, I can miss you like crazy, but the next moment, it's like I don't want to get close to you. I really don't know why but maybe it's because many things are happening right now. My mind isn't thinking properly. I just feel lost and confused. I don't know what's gotten into me. Do you even still like me? I mean, after what I did to you. Don't you think that I hurt you too much? I admit okay, it's my fault. I know it is. It forever is my fault. 

BUT..... To be honest, I don't like how you have 'conditions' that I have to follow. Something like, I have to always stand on your right. I can't stand up when you're sitting down. I'm not saying that I hate these 'conditions', it's just that it's kinda weird for me. Okay to make it fair, I can have my own conditions too. 

1. I don't want you to keep holding my hand. I have a phobia okay. I feel scared that people whom I know will see me holding a hand with a guy. Especially someone who is related to my family. Cause most of my close relatives, live near my area. So yeah. :/ It's not that I'm not proud of you being mine, it's just that I find it .. weird.
2. I don't want you to always have to send me home. Because you will tend to ask me to stay under the block to talk. I HAVE A PHOBIA OKAY. I'm scared that someone will see us together. I'm not talking about only under my block, but the area around my block. I just don't like it I don't know why. I'm happy enough if you can just send me at the bus stop. Seriously, that's enough.
3. I want my own time alone too. I don't want to always have to meet you every single day. For example, if I'm free for the whole week, I don't want to go out for all the 7 days. I want my space. :/ I want to be alone for some time. 

Yep I think that's all. I know I sound bitchy and everything. I DON'T CAREEEEEE. Bleh. 

But seriously, I'm having mixed feeling right now. >< I don't think I can handle this relationship, but it's like I want to keep trying. But if I do, then I'll keep making you feel hurt cause bad things keep happening. Gah, this is so confusing. I'm sorry.