Just confused.

I'm just confused. That's all.

I don't know what's happening. It's like, too many things happened, and I just couldn't catch up. Everything just happened so fast. Rushed. Whoosh. Poof. Gone in a second. Just too many shit happening here and there. 

Benjamin, I'm sorry. I truly am. I know I said this a thousand times, but I swear, I meant it when I said every 'sorry' to you. You might think that this 'sorry' is gonna be the same as every 'sorry' that I said, but please, I just want you to hear me out. Let's just get the story straight. To be honest, during the week that you went off for OCIP, I did felt lonely. I started to think about many things. I thought about whether we just rushed into this relationship. I thought about how I could survive having to concentrate on studies and on this relationship. I thought about how young we are to even think that we can handle this relationship. I mean c'mon, don't you think we're too young? To me, a relationship is like an extra burden to me. It's not because of you or 'the person that I'm in a relationship with', but it's just that the effort that we have to give FOR the relationship is like a lot. For example, if I don't give a full 100% in our relationship, then you would think that I don't love you enough, then obviously that's gonna end in an argument. A VERY BIG ARGUMENT. Didn't you say that you wanted to be in a relationship to be happy? How is 'being in a very big argument' happy? I'm just saying that the burden is, I have to give 100% to this relationship no matter how long it lasts. I mean, we're still pretty young. This year is a really rough year for me, and you know that. This year is probably the year that changed me. I became more depressed. I just 'changed'. I don't like how I always would cry at home when I get back from school. I don't like it how people will always have to cheer me up. I don't like it how people have to 'look out for me'. For the first time, I thought about killing myself. It all started this year. All the bad things. Depression. Suicidal. I hate it that when I go out with my friends and I would suddenly become quiet because of thinking about the money problems, then I end up breaking down. I hate it that people could see me breaking down. I hate it. I would never want people to see me be weak. I would always be the party pooper. I really don't like it when people have to look out for me just so I don't do any stupid stuff. It's like 'DUDE, I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF'. The point is, I just don't think I can handle this, you know. I just want to be young and stay young forever. Looking back at my childhood photos and seeing how bright my smile is, I just want to stay that way forever. Be happy, and never get sad. Don't have to worry about things. But I have to knock some sense into me, knock knock. Back to reality. We can't stay young forever. We grow up. Get old. Worry about more things. It's a jungle out there, we have to survive independently. But we are just taking it lightly. We keep thinking that we're old enough already. We keep thinking about how we wanna be adults now. But thinking about it again, I really don't want to. I want to be younger. I don't wanna get older. It just sucks. I don't care if I'm young, and I can't get into a relationship. I would be happy enough that I'm young. Just like what One Direction said, let's just live while we're young. I'm not saying that I can't like somebody or anything, I just think that being in a relationship is not a really good thing right now. :/ 

I'm sorry that I made you feel hurt. I know that I shouldn't hang out with guys too often. I know that it wasn't the right thing to do. I just needed someone to hear me out, and distract me. I don't know why, but my feelings aren't that 'stable'. It's like, for one moment, I can miss you like crazy, but the next moment, it's like I don't want to get close to you. I really don't know why but maybe it's because many things are happening right now. My mind isn't thinking properly. I just feel lost and confused. I don't know what's gotten into me. Do you even still like me? I mean, after what I did to you. Don't you think that I hurt you too much? I admit okay, it's my fault. I know it is. It forever is my fault. 

BUT..... To be honest, I don't like how you have 'conditions' that I have to follow. Something like, I have to always stand on your right. I can't stand up when you're sitting down. I'm not saying that I hate these 'conditions', it's just that it's kinda weird for me. Okay to make it fair, I can have my own conditions too. 

1. I don't want you to keep holding my hand. I have a phobia okay. I feel scared that people whom I know will see me holding a hand with a guy. Especially someone who is related to my family. Cause most of my close relatives, live near my area. So yeah. :/ It's not that I'm not proud of you being mine, it's just that I find it .. weird.
2. I don't want you to always have to send me home. Because you will tend to ask me to stay under the block to talk. I HAVE A PHOBIA OKAY. I'm scared that someone will see us together. I'm not talking about only under my block, but the area around my block. I just don't like it I don't know why. I'm happy enough if you can just send me at the bus stop. Seriously, that's enough.
3. I want my own time alone too. I don't want to always have to meet you every single day. For example, if I'm free for the whole week, I don't want to go out for all the 7 days. I want my space. :/ I want to be alone for some time. 

Yep I think that's all. I know I sound bitchy and everything. I DON'T CAREEEEEE. Bleh. 

But seriously, I'm having mixed feeling right now. >< I don't think I can handle this relationship, but it's like I want to keep trying. But if I do, then I'll keep making you feel hurt cause bad things keep happening. Gah, this is so confusing. I'm sorry.