What if ...

What if, I like you?

What if I really like you back? After everything that we've been through, would you still want to be with me?

It's just so confusing. I want us to be back together. But it's not easy. Cause Ahmad still likes me, and he thinks that I'm 'the one'. He's willing to even wait for me until I'm 'ready' to be with him.

No. I don't want it to be like that. I want you to focus more on other stuff instead of holding on to me. You don't have to wait for me okay. The  time that you spent (which might be quite long) might be useless. What if, after all the waiting, I decide to leave you? That's why I don't want you to wait for me. I don't know the future. You too. So why are you trying to wait for someone that you don't even know will be 'the one' for you? I'm so sorry. Let's just stay as friends for now. Nothing less, nothing more. Don't wait for me. If you do, you're just trying to hurt yourself, cause I will probably just try to avoid you. I'm sorry, but I have no feelings for you anymore. I don't think that we'll ever be more than friends. We've been through it before okay. To be honest, it wasn't a great relationship. I'm sorry if I keep hurting you. Just forget me, and you'll be okay. I don't want to keep hurting you this way. I'm sorry.

If only I have the courage to text you that big lump of words, but no. I don't. I'm sorry okay. I really am. I know we've been friends for 6 years and counting but I just don't want you to be hurt by me like this again.

So, back to topic.

Do you have the same feelings as I do? My heart started beating really fast when I heard Fengying asking me "Do you think that you might have feelings for Lion again?". Of course I couldn't say yes. Cause I don't know if he has the same feelings for me. But deep down, I really wanted to say that I might have feelings for him again. 

Today, I really felt like as if we were already together. As in, already a couple. I want us to be like that forever please. We sat side by side in the library. You would put your hand behind my back just to poke me. You would keep rolling your eyes to me. At the interchange, we would play the SNAP game. Love it. It like we're imitating each other. I just like that moment. I wouldn't want to go home, I just want to be with you. 

I don't know what to do. I'm just so confused. Me and my confused mind. Silly me. 

Please be with me, and never leave. Ever.